My Hilarious Letter from Scott Walker

I got one piece of mail on Wednesday and it was hilarious. A fundraising letter from Scott Walker! I’m not sure how I got on the Republican mailing list, but over the last couple of years, I’ve received letters from the John Bohner’s NRCC (twice!), failed senate candidate Sharon Angle, failed gubernatorial candidate Chris Dudley (several times, but at least this was in my state), and the NRA (they offered me a tote bag to join! wtf?). Anyhow, to my great amusement, I got this letter yesterday and I’m now considering what to do with the return postage paid envelope. I sent Mr. Dudley a spelling and grammar “check” because there were at least 4 errors in his 4 page letter. The NRCC wanted me to fill out their slanted “survey” and send them a donation. I filled out the survey and wrote that I wouldn’t send them a donation unless they changed their positions to meet mine. I figure it’s someone’s job to open and look at all the responses. Maybe they just toss the responses and take the checks, but whatever, it was amusement.

So here’s what Governor Scotty McScandlepants had to say:

Friday Evening

Okay, first off, WTF is this? Why is the text “Friday Evening” even there? And why is it centered?

Dear Fellow Conservative:

Hahahahahah! Man, have they got me pegged wrong. I’m about as progressive you get. If you want to see where you fall, check out the political compass.

Conservatives are under attack in Wisconsin and that means…

There’s BIG TROUBLE AHEAD where you live.

If the powerful labor unions get their way in my state…

They’ll get their way in yours.

Our crisis today, is your crisis tomorrow!

This is the frontline in the battle to rein in the too-powerful labor unions which are using Wisconsin as a “test case” for their national strategy.

All methods of emphasis (all caps, underline, italics, bold)in original.

Yes, the entire letter is written with a double space after each sentence, ’cause, you know, conservatives, by and large, are old and they can’t read so well. I love the overt admission that they’re in trouble. It makes my bleeding heart sing. They’re in trouble and they know it.

It’s kind of ridiculous that they call the labor unions “powerful”. If they were so powerful, why did you cross them? If they were so powerful, how come they couldn’t stop the godawful legislation you pushed through? I’m not trying to knock unions, I really wish they were as powerful as all that, but let’s face it, they’re not. This is just a boogyman that Republicans roll out to scare old white men into giving up their money to defeat those big bad union bosses working people and their massive amounts of campaign cash people power.

Oh, Republicans make such easy and convenient targets of limitless ridicule.

We must stop them NOW.

Please, do go on…

My rivals are using every threat, dirty trick and scare tactic in the book to get their way.

Really…last time I checked, it was you, Scotty, that had the stink lines of scandal coming off of you because of your staffers’ campaigning on the public dime, it was you that set up a legal defense fund, and it’s you that is trying to scare people right now in this here letter with those big, bad, evil, horrible, corrupt, treacherous and traitorous union bosses teachers, fire fighters, cops, janitors, secretaries, and other government staff. If there really is anything untoward going on, why are you not shouting it from the hilltops? Why is it not in the news? Why don’t you even site it in this letter instead of making unspecified accusations? Sounds like a bit of projection to me.

Big Labor Bosses know what they want, when they want it, and how they’re going to get it. Their naked power grab starts here in Wisconsin and then radiates across the country.

Is “Big Labor Bosses” a title you’re giving, sort of like when the Queen of England knights someone? Of course Labor knows what it wants, when it wants it and how to get it. Labor wants your recall, they want it yesterday (but they’ll have to settle for June 5), and they’re going to get it through working their collective tails off. And this is not a power grab, it’s called democracy, and this is how it works.

Mark my words, if they barge and bully and get their way here, your state’s next…so, together we must fight them tooth and nail right here and right now.

So now Democracy is “barging and bullying”? Whatever happened to holding elected officials accountable for their actions? Whatever happened to “We the People”? And Scotty, I wouldn’t join together with you if my other option was joining together with a piece of rotten feces in a suit stuffed full of corporate cash and topped with an oil slick. Oh, wait a minute…I feel like I’ve tricked myself.

This is your urgent call to action and, facing a recall election because I had the courage to battle Big Labor and the Status Quo, I need your help today.

Write and rush your “Friends of Scott Walker” contribution for $25, $50, $100, $250, $500, $1,000 or more and let me know that you’ll help me stand strong against the mercenary labor thugs.

So finally, out with it, you want my money. Well, good luck with THAT, sir! You merely had the courage to follow the dictates of your backers. You know, like the guy who you thought called you when you actually got pwned (scroll down to relive the hilarity in full audio) during the protests last year. The status quo has been to tear down the labor rights of ordinary people for the last 30 years and that’s what you’ve been standing for Scotty. That’s not courageous, it’s cowardly. And those people you’re calling “mercenary labor thugs”? Those are the workers in your state that keep everything running. They were not hired to come into the streets to protest you, they came to the streets because your policy was so toxic. They came because you promised one thing and delivered another. They were not paid to do so last February, and they will have no problem getting up the juice to dump your ass this June.

Big Unions have lined up all the usual suspects to bankroll them:

President Obama’s Political Machine.

The Moveon.org Radicals.

Liberal Billionaire George Soros’ attack organizations.

The Ultra Left-Wing Elites from Hollywood and Manhattan.

The list goes on and on, and the millions pile up.

Speaking of right wing boogymen, this is a wonderful shortlist thereof. Too bad ACORN isn’t around to blame anymore!

Wisconsin is broke; our economy was failing, so as the new Republican Governor, I took urgent action to save my state. With disaster staring us in the face, I cut spending and one obvious source was special benefits unions got.

How it should’ve read:

Wisconsin wasn’t broke, and our economy wasn’t quite soft enough, so as the new Republican Governor, I took urgent action to cut taxes for my wealthy campaign contributors, create a budget crisis, and weaken my state’s economy. In the face of this self imposed disaster, I cut collective bargaining rights under the guise of cutting spending even though this move had no financial impact.

Back to the regularly scheduled program:

Those union contracts were tying us in knots and the same is true in your state. But the instant I acted…

The Labor Unions scrambled an unprecedented response.

How do you know what’s going on in my state? Are you really saying that you’re familiar with the budgets and contracts of all 50 states? Next thing you know, he’ll be running for President on an “F the Unions” platform. He acted all right, acted to get rid of union representation. Now here he is painting himself the defiant victim:

They spit out the “insult” that I’m the most fiscally conservative Governor in America, but I take it as a compliment. They are threatening me with the label that I’m their #1 TARGET and my knees are supposed to buckle, my palms are supposed to sweat and I’m supposed to cave into their strong-arm tactics, but…

It’s not going to happen

Clearly he is developing some sweaty palms. Based on the fact that he’s reaching out to out of state Republicans to help him raise millions to fight off the recall. Obviously, we’re not expecting his knees to buckle or that he cave to pressure, this clearly hasn’t worked, we’re expecting him to be recalled for not heeding the voice of the people.

President Obama accused me of waging an “assault on the unions” when he knows it’s not true. I’m just trying to do what’s right in having state employees pay into their own health insurance and pension plans just as their neighbors in the private sector have to do. Seems reasonable right?

If this was all Scotty was doing, he could’ve easily done this without provoking the shit storm he’s brought upon himself by going after collective bargaining rights. In fact, the unions agreed to Walker’s financial demands, but he wanted to push it that much farther.

But thousands of Big Labor protestors, many bused in from Chicago and Las Vegas, buzzed around the State Capitol like angry wasps.

This is just another naked and unfounded assertion. Sorry Scotty, those were Wisconsinites out there freezing their butts off last February. But then, how would you know, you never spoke with them.

Their behavior was, at times, somewhat dubious. You likely saw or read the national news accounts of their demonstrations. Many of their signs were profane and obscene. Some were very aggressive and they vowed revenge on me.

Dubious behavior? Oh, like the time you made up that thing about the zillions in damage to the capitol building? Or that time you floated the idea of planting troublemakers in the crowd?

And then he lays out the victim card again, poor Scotty, hurt by the pwotestuh’s pwetty little signs. You bet they were profane, you were threatening their livelihoods and their families. Of course they were aggressive and vowed revenge, if someone threatened your family, you wouldn’t vow revenge? And now, that day is coming, it’s June 5, mark your calendar.

In the face of hate-filled personal threats, I came to work every single day, did my job, made the tough calls and tried to make government work efficiently and effectively.

How it should’ve read:

In the face of a massive revolt by the working class of Wisconsin, I came to work every single day (except the weekends and holidays for which these peons and their unions struggled), did a job on the workers of my state, made the tough calls to my corporate backers to ensure they really wanted me to do this despite the obvious ramifications (which I’m writing you today to seek your help in overcoming) and tried to make government work for the benefit of the GOP and its corporate sponsors.

Where was I?

But the Big Labor bosses see a fight that they aren’t willing to lose. They view the upcoming recall election as the primer for the national elections this fall.

They aren’t kidding.
They mean business.
And they don’t play by the same rules you and I do.

You’re darn tootin’! We absolutely mean business, no kidding, and we don’t play by the same rules that you do. We don’t play by the rules of the 1% and we don’t play by the rules of “election irregularities“.

Now in the face of bare-knuckle union attacks and a galling failure of President Obama’s leadership, it’s imperative that you and I buckle down, confront the coming political onslaught head-on, and raise the funds needed to stand our ground and take on the status quo.

I need you to stand up for democracy and for conservative stewardship, and I hope you’ll honor me with a “Friends of Scott Walker” contribution for $25, $100, $500, $1,000 or more today.

“Bare-knuckle” attacks? Like the one you laid on all those unionized workers’ collective bargaining rights? “Obama’s failure of leadership”? Oh for goodness sakes, take responsibility for your own failures man. When you do your level best to sink the state’s economy by laying off 21,325 people, own up to it. Yeah, you sure as hell need to raise money, but money isn’t going to save you from the wrath of voters.

When I saw the Big Union-sponsored mercenaries descend on our State Capitol from parts unknown, I knew what we were experiencing in Wisconsin was not an isolated case:

It was just a taste of what the rest of the nation would soon be forced to endure. Because if the Big Union Bosses could make their rampage of intimidation work in my state…

They’ll make it work in yours.

Mr. Walker will soon find out that these were ordinary Wisconsinites on the streets when he reads the returns and weeps, but for now, he’s resorting to scary language to make people think that there is some sort of paramilitary presence invading Wisconsin in order to do the clearly undemocratic, vicious, and utterly uncalled for thing, and vote him out of office. This army, led by monstrous renegade union bosses on a rampage of pure carnage and destruction, will soon be marching on your state to overthrow your righteously elected and divinely anointed leaders! This will not stand!

I inherited a state that was suffering from a never-ending loop of fast spending, high taxing, and deep borrowing (sound familiar?). While the everyday citizens were experiencing great pain, the wild-eyed liberals were spending like there was no tomorrow.

The same is true where you live.

He inherited a state that was just fine until he passed his tax cuts that blew a hole in the budget. This sounds very familiar: Democrats fix the budget, get everything on track and Republicans come in a screw it all up and cause a fiscal crisis. Now we need a Democrat to come in and clean up after the Republican fuck-ups again (sound familiar?). Liberals are “wild-eyed” because we want to fully fund education and make sure everyone in our states is cared for? That’s the most perverse definition of crazy I’ve ever heard. “Oh, and by the way,” Walker wants to remind me, “we’re all in this together…we’re all the same, bro!”

The Liberal Democrats love the Status Quo and they saw no reason to change their ways. The Big Unions had the Democrats in their hip pocket and they refuse to reform the way government works even though our state was heading toward fiscal disaster.

Wow, is this a load of bull. So “Liberal Democrats” want to maintain the status quo? Is that why liberals have always pushed for change? It was liberals who brought you Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, the 40 hour work week, the weekend, paid holidays, child labor laws, women’s suffrage, civil rights, gay marriage (okay, still working on this one), and pretty much any other advance in equality and justice you can think of. Do you even understand the meaning of “status quo”? Perhaps unions and Democrats are aligned because they see things the same way, just like the reason that Corporate Welfare Queens and the Republican party are aligned. And again, the only reason Wisconsin was heading for a “fiscal disaster” was because of policy that YOU implemented, dear Scotty.

In fact, in a cowardly attempt to maintain the status quo, fourteen Democrat [sic] State Senators actually fled the state and hid out in Illinois. They wanted me to come meet them at the border…Can you believe that?

First off, this is the first edit I’ve made to the letter, adding “[sic]” after the intentional misspelling of the word Democratic as “Democrat”. Republicans always want to take away the word Democratic from Democrats…sad really…and quite petty. Secondly, the only thing cowardly about this was Scotty’s yellow bellied actions to reverse decades of precedent respecting the rights of state workers to organize.

But I stood up for the everyday citizens who follow the rules and make America work.

No, you stood up for your corporate backers and right wing ideologues who want to get rid of unions because they feel they are a distortion to the mythical free market.

One Democratic State Senator who turned tail and ran away said,

“It’s almost like a reality TV show.”

Not it’s not. It’s not a game. This is real life!

The Union Bosses know that better than anyone and they’ve vowed to make me pay in a “Recall Walker” election.

The quote is taken out of context and the original was in reference to living in a hotel in Northern Illinois with an widely diverse group of state Senators. Then back to bashing on the straw man of Union Bosses. Grow up Scotty, there are consequences in this life for actions that you take. Deal with it and stop playing the victim. But no…here come’s the “waaaaah!”

They’re trying to make an example out of me now but trust me, the true conservative Republican leaders in your state (and nationally) are next.

Oh, poor Scott, let me bust out my violin. Any politician who says “trust me” makes me a lot less likely to trust them. The schlock about “true conservative Republican leaders”…whatever as we’re seeing in the Presidential Primary, there’s nobody who’s truly and rabidly conservative enough to please the crazies that have taken over the Republican party, but even if there were, the much reviled “Union Bosses” are simply not a potent enough force in most places to take them on. There are places like Alabama where Democrats are a relatively rare breed and unions are weak from decades of Republican rule. Democrats are not going to knock off Spencer Bachus (unless it gets to the point of someone finding $90,000 in his freezer).

They have demonstrated their eagerness to ignore reality, disregard the truth, distort my record, question my motives and attack my character for having the courage to try to make government work.

My “Friends of Scott Walker” team is digging in for a tough fight and I’m reaching out to fiscal conservatives from across this great land for help. Your generous contribution to our campaign for $25, $100, $500 or more will help answer the deluge of liberal money flowing into Wisconsin and will allow me to answer the Big Labor funded rampage of attack ads with the truth.

Uh…yeah. Whatever dude. Like I said, John Doe, tax cuts, lying, cheating, etc.

We’re cleaning up the mess left behind by decades of reckless spending, careless budgeting, clueless borrowing and shameless wasting of taxpayers’ hard-earned money. We’re doing what the liberals refused to do: we’re doing the right thing for the sake of America’s children and grandchildren.

Nobody made this mess but you, Scotty. You can create straw men all day long, but really, you brought this on yourself with an act that was designed to destroy the unions and cripple one of the bases of the Democratic party. This was not destined to end well for you. One more thing: do you remember when the last balanced budget happened on the federal level? Yeah, it was under Clinton. I’m not the biggest fan of Bill Clinton, but to say that you came in to clean up the mess liberals made in Wisconsin is like saying that George W. Bush cleaned up the mess left to him by Bill Clinton. Total fallacy.

In their selfishness and greed, the Labor Bosses are taking direct aim at hardworking citizens and over-taxed voters who show up for work, play by the rules, do a tough job right and just want a fair shake at success.

Project much?

For the Union-paid protestors who screamed until their faces were red and painted signs with hate-filled threats and profane words, all I can say is that they can yell and curse all they want but I’m not going to back down from my conservative good government efforts.

Well, all I can say is that you’re in denial, my somnolent adversary.

The Liberals and Union Bosses have got me in their sights. And they’re looking to take direct aim at me in this special recall election.

Why two sentences here? It seems like you could’ve said this in one sentence. Heck, we’re on page four of this repetitive monologue. So much for efficiency and effectiveness.

I’m writing to you in recognition of the vital role you’ve played for so many fiscal conservative candidates and noble causes. Given the magnitude of the challenge ahead, I need you now and I want you to play a leading role my quest to raise $180,000 in the next 30 days.

Moi? I think you’re thinking of someone else. If you want me now, you really ought to at least take me out to dinner first. Your quest is to raise $180,000 in the next 30 days? I bet we could raise that much for the recall effort in 30 days…what do you say Kos?

Given what we’re up against, it’s critical that we start now.

There’s a contribution form and envelope enclosed with my letter and I hope you’ll use them to reaffirm your faith, trust, and confidence in what I’m trying to do here.

Yeah, I’ll use it all right. Not sure exactly how yet, but I’ll send something heavy. And what is it, exactly, that you’re trying to do here anyhow, rob people of the American dream? Reward your rich backers? Secure your place in the Republican Hall of Fame? All of the above?

I’m being demonized by the Senate Democrats, vilified by the Labor Bosses, castigated by President Obama and I’m going to need your support to persevere.

I’d throw you an anchor if I could.

Help me delive my clear conservative message of bold reforms by providing the urgent support I need. We’re on a mission to raise $180,000 in the next 30 days and your generous spirit will get us there.

Fat chance of that happening. Keep sending me envelopes tho, I want to help send fun and resource draining objects with large quantities of mass to your mailbox.

Please write your “Friends of Scott Walker” contribution for $25, $50, $100, $250, $500 or more, today, and return it in the postage-paid envelope that’s enclosed.

:) Oh, Scotty…you sent this to the wrong dude.

We’ve taken on some mighty powerful special interests and made them unbelievably mad. But I’d do it again in a heartbeat because our state government was running on fumes and going down for the count.

No, you’d do it again because you’ll be picked up by the Wingnut Welfare program when the people of Wisconsin fire your ass.

My adversaries are out to get me but I’ve got news for them:

Just because you’re paranoid, don’t mean they’re not after you.

In you, I’ve got a friend in my corner and we’re going to win.

Hahahahahahaha!

Most Sincerely,

Scott Walker
Governor

P.S. The vicious attack by Big Labor and President Obama reinforce the importance of your immediate help. The fight to stop them starts here and now in Wisconsin before it spreads like and out-of-control wildfire in your state and across the nation. Will you help me stand against the largest organized labor battle since President Reagan had the fortitude to do the right thing and take them on nearly 30 years ago? I hope your answer is, “YES!”

“Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, give me money.” To this, an emphatic “NO!”. The gratuitous Reagan reference is interesting. My guess is that Mr. Walker wants to run for President in 2016 and wants you to know he’s the most Reagan-esque ultra right wing conservative with a record of sticking it to the baddies that run those wretched unions.

On top of this, the Walker campaign included a shrunken down version of this Wall Street Journal piece and on the reverse side was the first two sections of this Milwaukee Journal Sentinel piece. I didn’t think either of these pieces did much justice to Walker or much to portray the recall effort in a negative light. The only positive thing for Walker in either of these articles was the section header ‘He is our hero’ in the second section of the JS article and the last three lines of the section which are dedicated to a couple of Walker supporters who decided to counter protest the recall marchers. Both articles were shrunken down with the WSJ article in 8 point font and the JS article in what appears to be 4 point font. It is nearly illegible even with good eyes, I can’t even imagine what those with bad eyes thought of this.

The other piece of material in the envelope (besides the remittance envelope) is a full color page that says “I’ve Got Your Back, Scott!” at the top, has seven pictures from the protests down the left side of the page and a quick spiel on the right side of the page asking for money. The photos are of various signs, the first has an image of a cross between Hitler and Walker on a sign that says “Stop the Attack on Workers”, the second has a sign reading “Why Do Republicans Hate People”, the third says “Political Death to Tyrants” (but the word “Political” is small compared to the rest), the fourth is of a large crowd and a sign saying “Kill the Bill”, the fifth is and up close shot of a sign that says “Reload” with “Repeal Walker” smaller and next to a photo of him with cross hairs on it, the sixth is of a sign saying “Midwest Mussolini” and the seventh is of the same sign as the 1st with another sign that says “WI Dictator Must Go” and one that says “Care about educators they care for your…”. The kill the bill sign is totally unoffensive IMHO, why even put it there? It is advocating the process of not allowing the bill to move forward commonly referred to as “killing” it. The only reason it’s there is because of the word “Kill” to try to frame the protesters as violent. The Hitler and Mussolini references we could do without, but whatever. All of these images are aimed at getting the right wing recipient of this piece fired up about how uncivilized these protesters are (have they looked in the mirror lately?). The text on the right (underneath my name and address) reads:

I’ll Tackle the Union Bullies, Too!

This Is a Critical Issue and I Don’t Want Them
Running Roughshod Across the Country!

Stand Strong Against the Big Labor Bosses!

Fight Hard for our Shared Conservative Principles!

My Help is on the Way…
a “Friends of Scott Walker” Check for:
[boxes ranging from $25 to $2,500 and of course "other]
Please make check payable to:Friends of Scott Walker

Then there a place to put credit card info and below that, a place to put your personal info, (Employer, Occupation, Home and Work Phone, Email), some legalese saying that contributions are not tax deductible and their footer and paid for by statements.

I’m trying to figure out what I should send them. Any suggestions?

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  1. The Riviera Times

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